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[13 Dec 2008|12:19am] |
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i feel like i have so much hatred its not even funny. i dont know what to do anymore. i feel like i have no one. no one whos there for me anymore and its just killing me. i really just want to get out of here for good.
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[14 Jul 2008|01:34pm] |
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i hate my life. the end
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| so yea... |
[24 Jun 2008|07:04pm] |
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mood |
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 depressed |
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music |
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walk the line soundtrack |
] |
its been a while. a long while to say the least. it always seems like i find my way back to this place whenever i've just about had it. i thought things were finally looking up. I mean i have an amazing girlfriend whom i love with all my heart, a good job, family, and yet i still find it hard to keep putting on that stupid fake smile and making everyone else think that nothings wrong in the wonderful life of joe. i just dont know what to do lately. i fight toni non stop. its getting really bad. to the point where i get kicked out prolly once a week, which never lasts. so i finally tell her im moving out. and she tells me the one time shes asking me for something im walking out on her. and you know me, too gutless to do shit about it. so i suck it up and suck it up and suck it up until the one day im just going to snap. its coming i can feel it. everythings starting to get to me. i have just about no real friends, just about no one there for me. i just cant take this stupid shit day after fucking day anymore. everynight i go to bed wishing maybe i wont wake up, or maybe things will just magically change and it will all be fine. but its not. and it wont be. im sick of living a worthless, meaningless life. i miss the old days. i miss my old friends, i miss being happy for once. but again, it wont nor is it going to happen. people change, no matter what you do, end of story.
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[11 Mar 2008|11:08pm] |
so yea
i've realized that im not happy..
im just really frustrated with everything.
everyones trying to help, and wants me to talk about it, but for once
i just want to be left alone. just let me be miserable
and go on enjoying your life
dont mind me, im just pissed off
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| thanks maria.. |
[10 Dec 2007|03:47pm] |
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music |
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three days grace |
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..for probably the best complete cd i've ever listened to in my life.
"It's All Over"
Your bottles' almost empty
You know this can't go on
Because of you my mind is always racing
The needles' breaking your skin
The scar is sinking in
And now your trip begins but
It's all over for
It's all over for
You
For you
When you're on the edge and falling off
It's all over for you
For you
When you're on the edge and falling off
It's all over
I know what runs through your blood
You do this all in vain
Because of you my mind is always racing
And it gets under my skin
To see you giving it
And now your trip begins but
It's all over for
It's all over for
You
For you
When you're on the edge and falling off
It's all over for you
For you
When you're on the edge and falling off
It's all over
And now you're dead inside
Still you wonder why
It's all over
And now you're dead inside
Still you wonder why
It's all over
And now you're dead inside
Still you wonder why
When you're on the edge and falling off
It's all over for (You, for you)
And now you're dead inside
Still you wonder why
When you're on the edge and falling off
It's all over for (You, for you)
And now you're dead inside
Still you wonder why
It's all over
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[08 Dec 2007|10:13pm] |
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music |
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shark attack-senses fail |
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yea so i dont know anything anymore. theres things going on that i really wish weren't. i can't talk to anyone about it because everyone gets mad, and doesnt want to listen. the one person i usually do talk to, i am not even sure if we are going to remain friends. cause im done trying time and time again and getting fucked over. im sick of the bullshit, im sick of the lies, and quite frankly, im sick of being treated like shit.
today may be one of the worst days that i've had in a while, its just been a completely shitty day, and to top it all of, my girlfriends out getting drunk which just makes me feel ten times FUCKING better
UGH dont bother
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[07 Nov 2007|12:19pm] |
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mood |
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depressed |
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yea i dont know whats going on anymore
i went home this weekend, and i thought it was fun, but then i get back here, and life just sucks again
i really cant stand it here, and the feeling like it really doesnt bug anyone, or no one really cares that im here and not there just gets to me.
there is a lot going on right now, that i dont feel like writing about but, I just dont know anymore, i want to just give up, just quit, because there really seems to be no fucking point anymore
why bother
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[26 Oct 2007|12:52pm] |
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mood |
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depressed |
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i give up
i dont know what to do anymore
i just keep fucking up
i can't win, no matter how hard a try
i just, dont know
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| results.. |
[20 Oct 2007|03:39pm] |
so the nurse "fit me in"
she said there are a bunch of viruses going around. but i am the lucky one, and happened to catch all of them.
not only that, but because i am soo stuffed up im getting a DOUBLE ear infection...just amazing.
so she gave me medicine for that, i have to take 3 times a day.
then i have nasil spray to try and help clear my sinuses out.
she gave me "extra strength" cold medicine i have to take every 4 hours
and tylanol every 4 hours with the cold medicine.
and i have these throat "soothers" things she said to try and keep taking.
they work a lot and i like them lol
so yea, im dying :-p
she also told me NOT to go home this weekend, and to try and just get some sleep
she said i might get lucky but the worse might not be over. so im trying to pray that im getting better
i dunno, we shall see. for now im going to go lay down and watch some college football
oh and p.s. i hate stupid people, all last week, and this week we keep having fire alarms.
thursday night we had one a 2am and one at 3:15.
then last night we had another one at 2am and it was pouring rain...sucked horribly
but yea ok,
later
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| so sick |
[19 Oct 2007|12:18pm] |
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mood |
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 sick |
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ok so i've come to the conclusion...i must be dying
lets start from the beginning...
monday night/tuesday morning...got almost no sleep. finally fell asleep around 3ish only to have to wake up at 6:30 to get ready for class.
well when 6:30 came around, the worst headache i've ever had, and i couldnt stop throwing up. later found out, which im pretty sure is right, that it was my first migraine. it hurt so bad, i just wanted someone to rip my head off. so i skipped all my classes for the day, and stayed in bed, with the exception of almost every hour since 7am running to the bathroom to throw up.
tuesday night/weds...again, hardly got any sleep, woke up, migraine was somewhat gone, but i felt like i had a cold. my body was all weak, stuffy nose, throat was a little sore from what i assumed was throwing up so much.
weds night/ thursday...couldnt sleep to save my life. kept tossing and turning, and lucky me, i started coughing NON stop. horrible, cough that just wont go away. again, on top of the headache, the stuffy nose, and the STILL sore throat.
thrusday night/today...well lsat night, stayed up to watch the sox game, so after that was done, maybe 1ish, talked on the phone a little, and got ready for bed. still feeling like shit, 2am rolls around, i finally start falling asleep, and the fire alarm goes off. so we all get sent outside for 45 min. so im stuck outside, in shorts, 2am, with a cold/migraine/sore throat/horrible cough. so we get back in, lay down around 2:50ish. finally start dosing off around 3:15, and again, the alarm goes off. so we all have to go out again, for another half hour. finally get back in around 3:45 ish, and couldnt fall asleep until around 4.
so i woke up this morning, and my sore throat, hurts more then anything. im sitll coughing, still sutffy nose, still headache, but my throat hurts A LOT. so i take a flashlight, and look in the mirror. what do i find? a bunch of white dots...aka...strep throat...just FUCKING AMAZING...add in my extreme ear pain, and thats where i stand.
so today, i went to go to health services, well they are all booked up until monday. so i was like umm, i think i might have strep, and shes like well we are doing a flu shot day, so you can "try" to come back around 3:30, and we will see if we can "squeeze" you in.
i swear, if i have to go all fucking weekend like this im going to be pissed.
so, im not going to any of my classes today, because like i said, im pretty sure its strep, and i just want to die.
lovely fucking week..so andrea wants me to come home this weekend...but a. i have no ride there, or b. no ride back. BUT she is trying to come and get me, if steve will be able to bring me back...well lets scratch that..
im not going to go home, and get everyone sick with strep, or whatever the hell this stupid deadly virus is..
im going to go lay down, and try to get some rest until 3:20 when i will head to the health center to see if they can fit me in there schedule..
...
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| eh |
[12 Oct 2007|03:30pm] |
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mood |
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depressed |
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music |
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lonely road of faith-kid rock |
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So yea, everything magically fixed itself like it always does...
im not going home this weekend which kinda sucks cause i really HATE it here, especially when im bored, and alone, and have nothing to do...
"go out and meet people"...yea well your not me ok, its not easy for me to do that...and it is not going to be easy, and im not going to be able to... that's just the way it is
i might not be coming home next weekend...steve already told me he wouldnt be able to come get me...and i know andrea told me i HAVE to come home, but im sure she wont be able to either...so we will see
its been really rainy here the past couple of days...im feeling kind of depressed because of it...
i don't know why, just kind of am
and i have also come to a conclusion...i miss the old days.
i miss having fun, and not having to worry about anything..
just being able to be me, with my friends, i miss being told i can't go out by my sister, and having to make people come over :-p, i just miss it...
i miss my freedom
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[03 Oct 2007|11:33pm] |
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mood |
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depressed |
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music |
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crashed- daughtry |
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so i've decided....that when it rains...it pours
This week has by far, sucked so bad its unbelievable.
i really have a knack for getting people pissed at me. i do. it MUST be a gift or something. no matter what i say is ever right. no matter what i do, is ever right. i just cant fucking win, with anyone. its impossible
me and steve are well, at the moment, not talking.
we went at it a little last night, pretty much just the norm. then we kind of settled things...or so i thought..
i tried to talk to him today and he told me flat out, he didnt want to talk. so i was like ok. i then told him i wasn't going to im him, or text him or anything until he wanted to talk. and i made that point very clear. that when he was ready to talk, i could use someone, and that id like him to text me or im me or call me or whatever. well, so far, nothing
its really nice to see that our friendship means THAT much to him. it really hurts, cause sometimes he is like the best friend i could ask for and then others he just makes me so fucking mad.
like really, what the fuck am i supposed to do.
so im going to be a stubborn ass, and wait for him to talk to me first, cause i want to see just how much he really cares about our friendship.
cause honestly, i dont think hed feel any different with our without it.
then there is always school problems. people here are just assholes. almost every single one of them. the people in my hall were drunk at 9:30 last night. on a fuckign tuesday night. i cant stand them, and i want to get out of here.
and, to add to it i cant stop thinking about my mom. i don't know why but she has been on my mind 24-7 lately. i wish she was here, i wish i could talk to her, see her, hug her. and im trying so hard to move on and try to be happy and all this shit but i cant. NOT without her. i cant, im sorry but i just cant.
i also managed to add more people to that list of being pissed off at me, cause like i said, it is all that im good at and it doesnt surprise me.
i swear i should just fucking give up
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[29 Sep 2007|12:10am] |
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mood |
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 indescribable |
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so this has been a very...interesting week...to say the least.
a week full of fire alarms cause of the stupid boilers, and cause of dumb people caused a missed class and being stuck out in the rain at 12:30 in the morning...down pouring rain...it was very cold
on top of fighting with steve early in the week about stupid crap which wasnt even really fighting considering he had a valid point...
then there was fighting with my girlfriend...whom i was totally right in...
i wasnt sure if i was coming home..it was a 50/50 shot. so i told her i couldnt thinking if i couldnt then i didnt get her hopes up...and if i could i was going to surprise her...
well being the stubborn female that she is...that didnt work out
so steve came and picked me up today...then he went out for about 4 hours. which kind of sucked cause i was here alone bored as hell...but hey, thats life...no wait...thats MY life. lol
so now, im just sitting here contemplating whether i want to go to sleep or not...and i think i just made my decision
night
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[25 Sep 2007|09:53pm] |
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mood |
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 pissed off |
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so todays a lovely day
i managed to get my best friend pissed at me
my girlfriend pissed at me
and some other people pissed at me
im just fucking amazing aren't i
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[06 Sep 2007|03:43pm] |
update:
yea im most likely not coming home this weekend. which sucks cause i got my hopes up for it.
but steve has too much stuff going on and wont really get a chance to drive up to get me and drive back up to drop me off
so looks like im in for a nice long and lonely fucking weekend
:-\
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[06 Sep 2007|08:29am] |
so yea lets scratch that last post....i want to go home :-\
i miss my friends, i miss my bed, i miss home food, and believe it or a not...i miss big y :-p
i started classes yesterday. yea they don't seem that bad but i know science will kick my ass. it always does. ALWAYS. and i have it four days a freaking week. yea i know...it sucks balls
umm what else, i might be coming home this weekend. i've been talking to steve and he might come pick me up and bring me back after the weekend. i kinda hope this works out cause i wanna sleep in my nice big comfy bed again
plus like i said, i just miss everyone...especially the kids
ok well my first class just go over with and its still 8:30 so im going to go back to bed until 12 when i again have to go to science
stupid science
later
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| im a big boy now :-p |
[03 Sep 2007|06:36pm] |
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mood |
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 accomplished |
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music |
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three days grace |
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so yea officially a college student.
no one realizes how important this really is for me. I really want to be something when im older. I want to make a name for myself. mom always wanted me to be something, she always had high hopes for me. and i know the rest of my family looks to me as well. they are all expecting good things from me. it sucks cause the pressure feels unbearable but i know i can do it. i've decided i am going to work my ASS off and make this work
no matter how awkward it may be right now i am going to get through this, make friends and get a damn good education....so look out world here i come :-p
other news, my roommate is pretty cool. i like him a lot. we have a lot in common. plus we have those littles things we can argue over just to get a conversation started...ie...he likes the bucs....ummm who likes the bucs...honestly :-p....so its making the transition better
plus having megan here everyday to help me out is a good thing.
andrea came up today. i love her...i cant wait until i get my car. i need it. i cant get an off campus job until i have one. and i really do need one. i have like 4 dollars to my name...it fucking sucks. but hey... i guess i gotta try and make due :-/
so yea, nothing else is really going on..just a bunch of meetings and crap for freshman...classes start weds so i guess i'll let ya'll know how that goes..
anyone feel free to text my phone. i basically just around and play on the computer when im not at meetings. plus weekends are going to be really boring my roommate leaves and meg leaves until sunday and monday
so i will be here stuck alone...so i better have people coming to visit me :-p
ok well thats about it
love peace chicken grease :-p
Joe
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| sucks |
[15 Aug 2007|09:15pm] |
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mood |
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 distressed |
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yea so i realized im leaving in like 2 weeks and 3 days...HOLY SHIT. i have so much to do. i have no car, no clothes, nothing for college...nor the money to get it. not to mention the fact that i havn't even really started reading my book that i have to be done with...
then last night i had a sharp pain in my ear, wasn't sure what it was so i just went to bed. woke up and it fucking KILLED. i tried my hardest to ignore it but it started to make my head hurt and my throat so andrea finally made me go to the docters. so i found out i have swimmers ears, which is pretty painfull and on top of that i have a sinus infection...so thats putting more pressure on my ears and making it hurt more, all i know is it kills and all i wanna do is sleep.
i still have no car, which still sucks
and things with steve are well...im pretty sure he hates me, cause thats my life,
im done
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[13 Aug 2007|11:34pm] |
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i don't fucking know anymore
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[27 Jul 2007|11:18am] |
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mood |
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 frustrated |
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so i lost my car...officially. as in they came and took it. I love how people so close always tend to FUCK you over. I am so frustrated and pissed off, but supposedly, i am over-reacting and it not my credit i have nothing to worry about, all i lost was a piece of metal...fuck that.
im leaving today...finally. i need a break from everything. just a weekend away to relax and not worry about stupid people and their stupid shit. not have to worry about being stuck in this house without a car to go anywhere, and its not like anyone here would be willing to bring me to work or anything...they'd rather go do other things.
i tell ya its the little things that get me going.
but yea, i had some time to kill while waiting for andrea to come and pick me up. i'll update when i get back, sunday night or monday..
peace
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